to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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