His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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