By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
