he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
