just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
