dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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