I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
