Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I met the friendliest cop last night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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