you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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