you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
