I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
