I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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