end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
