Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
