so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
