If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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