I wish I could teleport
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
did i just pee glitter
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
