So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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