I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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