I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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