She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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