is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
