You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
