I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
