I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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