I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
