why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
