Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
