I need help removing her.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Found the puke drawer
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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