I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
