You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i think my tv is drunk
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
