Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
