McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
