Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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