I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
