Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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