my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
