Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
