so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
4 words: hood of his car
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
