It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
