when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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