Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
