Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
please come you make the beer taste better
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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