My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
