She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
