when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
