i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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