In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
