I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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