i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
