How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
