i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
