I wish I could teleport
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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