The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
