Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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