sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
