For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
