There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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