Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
