you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
