She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
