They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
