I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
