walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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