It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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