We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
